My Prince Charming
November 23, 2003
  Getting sloshed So the last few nights have been full of drinking. but tonight,,,ah, tonight will be different with a higher cause in focus. A bet, between two people. Both win either way. However, the bet itself is the hard part. i want to drink- because the drinking feels god. But the end result of the drinking has so far been negative. So I should not do it. And the end result of winning the bet is better then anything related to the drinking itself.

So poll number three- what is your drinkin limit, and is the hangover worth it?? 
  I know Deep in my heart I know....I know you are there and waiting. I know everything will be different. I know I am my own person. I cannot be controlled. I cannot be played. I am controlling my own destiny now. There is no more of circumstance- I do not believe in that. I believe in love. I believe in controlling my own destiny. I believe in myself and the women I am. I am more than a queen. More than deserving. I am me. I am beautiful and loving and amazing. And you are mine. And I will always love you. These are the things that I know. 
November 21, 2003
  let's all laugh... Alright- time for the next poll. This question caused me great stress the other night when it arose,and I am curious as to other's opinions.
Alright- is sex (or foreplay) with your partner in a public area...dressing room, restroom, etc..
1.exciting 2.scary 3.tacky
  this hell hole This hell hole is becoming larger, deeper trying to swallow me whole. I begin to disattach myself and draw away while looking into it's depth. I cannot understand. I thought it was a pool of glistening cool spring water. How did I not see it was fire and coals waiting to burn me alive. Why was I not warned about the danger awaiting me. Then I see it, the lies and the betrayal. It was a game and I was the pawn being moved from one spot to the next. well now I have been handed over to another who does not play that game. Instead he breathes life into me. He stands me up and says here now you do it yourself. He lets me decide how to love how to live. But I am still struggling to get out of the grips of this fire. I feel I am being sucked once again into the lies so I have to stand strong and steadfast. I have to feel the love that comes from the other. I have to trust the love that I feel that gives me strength to withstabd the pain that will be heaped upon me by the judgement and betrayal of others. I will not fear. I will not be afraid. I will be who I was once was. You will all be amazed at the level of independance, love and joy that explode from me. I am excited. it gives me a new breath of hope to go back and stand up to it all. Alrgith my love, I'll meet you in my dreams. I'll meet you on our star. I'll meet you in my every waking thought. Until I can be in your arms again..... 
November 18, 2003
  I love you.... To all of you I apologise- I must use this as my mesage board for two minutes. Feel free to skip- and make no comment.

Baby- you are my life. I feel so empty in this moment without you. I feel the life is being sucked out,,,slowly, draining all the joy that is within me. I close my etyes and take myself back to that moment, when I am lost in your eyes, lost in your touch, lost in your love. Then I go find my song once again. I find my joy all over. And that moment is incredible. I love it. I love you. You save me.  
November 15, 2003
  Polls are in So- our polls are in. Unfortunately none win because theywere all different. Imagine that?!
Our collection of items stolen however are as follows: Gabriel Garcia Marquez's writing ability, election for Howard dean, Bill Gatre's $, pirate toys, winona Ryder's jewelry, pink kitchen aidmixer, and a pair of eyeglasses.
I oersonally would steal the power to heal. then I would go back in time and heal my dady so he would not die. Then I would heal my sick mind so I would not have ended up in this mess I am in. From there life would go on........

By the way,, my feelings are hurt at the lack of response from you all. Please talk to me. I am so lonely for blogger friends. 
  Favorite Quotes, Anyone? "Masturbation is like proctrastination: It seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end you've only fucked yourself." 
November 14, 2003
  I am sorry!! All my new friends- I must apologise. I stepped out of my boundaries last night with the whole sex thing. I recant on all I said.

So- I am in the process of moving. I am getting way stressed from all the stuff I have to fit in my new apartment. I think I'm going to be a weirdo and just set it all on the side of the curb and put FREE STUFF sign by it. Wouldn't that be fun. Welp, I've got to get back to the unpacking,,and the packing ,,and moving, and cleaning....I will never be done!!!!!

November 13, 2003
  Poll number two Alright,,well you were all so cooperative with the first poll,,and so I have decided to take another.
On Saturday I can share the results of the first poll, and from there share results each day. Be patient my bloggerets....

OK- Poll number two: first my disclaimer
in the event of my dirty mouth showing through I am not responsable. The woman made me do it. (SHHH I know I am the woman!)
OK so back to poll number two: What is your favorite sexual act, and what is the position...Come on now people. Do not be shy. We are all adults.

To start you off, I will go first. Favorite sexual act,,,First I have to say I love all sex!! Ok that said, my favorite would be man on top, me on my left side with my right leg over his shoulder. That is all I can say because I am getting embaressed at how open I was " no pun there" with you all.

No stealing of other peoples,,,and i don' tgive a fuck if you agree with what someone else says- no repeats!!! Sex is too beautiful to have it all be the same 
  men Men are like candy. they can melt in your mouth, melt in your hands, make you feel oh so good or totally make a mess of everything.
Girls- this entry is for you. Be careful. Don't hand them your hearts. You have to handle it like you would allowing a four year old to hold a new kitten. You allow them to hold it, to touch it, kiss it, love it. BUT you keep your hands on it too. That way when they are suddenly done- which they will be quite suddenly, you will be able to catch it and keep it from total pain from the fall. Am I making sense. Now do not get me wrong. I am in love. I LOVE men. but they do not fully understand what women need, want, or feel. But the key is knowing that they don't. And letting them have the room they need to keep him sane and loving you.


Now to the men I will say this- women are precious, special, and delicate. treat us right, and we can love you like you have never even imagined, or can comprehend being loved.

Hugs and Kisses to all my new friends out there in blogger land 
  my poll ok- so hopefully you will come and read this, maybe you will find me through Amy, or some other way. But I want to take a poll. If you could steal one thing, what would it be?? It can be an object, a person, anything... i'll give it three days to be commented on, then I will tally the results, post them, and tell you what I would steal. be sure you tell me. Don't be rude, leave me a comment. If you read, you write, that is the way it works up in here ya'll...
Now back to my movie, and back to sitting by the phone. YEAHH!!! for me. 
November 12, 2003
  last blog of november 12th ok so don't get used to me writing in here four fucking times a day. I just had to say one thing. Okay- I had four drinks in one hour. My friends all left me because god only knows why the hell they did. So now it is just me and you. Do you want the long me or short about for now I will just tell you a piece.

My daddy- he will explain me and who I am in two minutes. Only he died four years ago leaving the biggest hole someone could leave inside of you. Now I feel I am constantly walking around saying...if only

Jill- she knows me in and out. She can hurt me more than anyone else ever could. But she has the power to love me like noone else.

Amy- I don't even know how to begin. She is steadfast in loving me, supporting me, standing by me. She has carried me more than she will ever fucking realise.

Derek- he had so much control,,,so much power. Soon I will be free and then....Well I am excited to see what will happen, who I will be.

Joshua- the love of my life. He is opening me up like noone ever has.
I have been waiting for someone to do, what he does to me, for my entire lifetime. He makes me so happy and so free.

My family- I love them , I do not want to hurt them and I hope they will love me and support me.

My kids,,,and his kids- they are each amazing. We will be blessed to be a part of each of their lives. I love them all. Mine and his. And hopefully one day ours.

God- I am still searching. It is hard to erase what you have alwyas been taught. And it isn't even so much that I want to erase, as understand and trully believe.
  ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS party is happening,,only it isn't so much of a party as a get together with a few friends So,,,,love of my life, I need to set something straight with you Is your girlfriend happy?? what do your instincts tell you? is this really how you want it to be. I don't want to control or keep you from doing whatever the fuck you feel like,,but seriousely if you know I am not "comfortable" with something- do you really want to make me feel that way

I know you think I shouldn't still love you
but if I didn't say it would I still have felt it
where is the sense in that?....caleb's new favorite song dildo lives on

But moving on...alcoholism i think I am one I am so sad at myself but I probably am just exagerating Maybe I am making up for the last 8 months of being judged for one damn beer Who can fucking know

  CHILL OUT!!!!! I am so dramatic. I love myself. Noone entertains me the way I do myself. Am I conceited,,,I do not think so. I am unhappy without those I love being a part of my life. But I crack myself up. I can ramble about shit and mean every word. Then one hour later I am like "who the fuck said that shit". So I hope you are laughing with me now, not at me. Yeah,,so I'm still waiting to hear from a certain someone. I think I need to inform them of how much I hate being told-I'll call you, then not being called. bob the builder is on and bugging the shit out of me. I think it's a sign for me to go be productive with my packing. Tonight will be pizza, movie, friends, drinking, and hopefully kids sleeping. I love this blog. I love blogging. I love telling people that don't exist about shit that does exist as if they are there, and care and hear. Ok- time for lunch so- adios.

Sorry about the earlier freaking out shit. You'll get used to me, I promise
  what the hell is going on So- I wake up this morning and shit is falling from the sky. I don't know what the hell to do. I feel like fucking chicken little. I tell everyone and noone listens. I am so scared. I am so lonely. The unknown is too much and is overtaking my mind like a swallowing black hole. I dash to each path not knowing which to take. Which one will lead me to where I want to end up. which ones can join together allowing me to experience more.

I love him I love him I love him-

thats all that needs to be said

October 2003
November 2003

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